


Keepsake

by Semi_problematic



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-14
Updated: 2018-04-14
Packaged: 2019-04-22 20:41:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14316765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Semi_problematic/pseuds/Semi_problematic
Summary: Negan knew that he didn't love Carl. He was in love with him. Negan had once read in a book that "love" and "in love" were different. That when you loved someone you let them do what they wanted to do and be who they wanted to be. When they made their choices you let them, because you wanted them happy. Being in love was selfish. When you want them all to yourself and listening to you and only you. When you want a say in all that they do and fight anyone who comes too close. Negan was in love with Carl, that he knew. What he also knew is that he had always been selfish.





	Keepsake

The room Carl stayed in was mostly dark, not that he cared. Negan tried his best to keep some light in there, but not enough to let Carl see outside. Curtains and blankets covered the floor to ceiling windows while furniture and broken items filled the rest of the room. Carl was very angry. Negan didn't know why but he also didn't feel like asking. The world was enough to be angry at. That was good enough reason for him. 

Carl spent most of his time by the sliver of window. He always stared at the sunlight, then at the stars and moon. That didn't surprise Negan. Carl had taught him about planets and stars before. Happily pointing out each of the constellations. That kid was smart. Negan hoped he was smart enough not to stare at the sun too long. He needed his other eye. 

People talked about Carl, but they always had. Ever since that day he broke in, carrying a gun that was almost as big as him, he had been the talk of the town. That's what Negan would say at least. They weren't really a town or a village. More like a work place. A factory. Not a home. Never a home. 

Everyone whispered about Carl even when Carl wasn't around. Negan thought it was rude but Carl didn't care. He didn't care about the insults that they spat towards him and Negan. All he cared about was Negan. And that worked, because all Negan cared about was Carl. Those people could go fuck themselves. They were just angry they didn't have the same love Carl and Negan had. 

Negan unlocked the door to Carls room and stepped inside, smiling. "It's cloudy outside today. I think you'd be kinda happy about that. Means you can share out that damn window non stop." Negan stuffed his hand in his pocket and pulled out a book, throwing it towards Carl. "Found more books during a search. Thought you might like to read." He leaned the bat against the wall and closed the door, locking it. 

Chains rattled as Carl turned towards Negan. Slowly, he stumbled towards the man, grunts escaping his lips. Hungry. He reached out and grabbed for Negan, but Negan was still too far away. He stepped forward again, only to be jerked back by the chain on the wall. He fell back against the floor, twisting around in order to get up again. His nails were falling off but that didn't stop him from clawing at the floor to get a good hold. 

"Missed me, didn't you?" Negan walked towards him, pulling open the curtains a little more. "I think we need a little more light, don't you?" He took a step to the side when Carl jumped for him, watching his boy be yanked back onto his back once more. "Angry. Are you mad because I left for so long? Or are you mad that I thought you missed me?" He chuckled, sitting down in front of Carls squirming body. "Don't worry. I know you didn't." Negan knew Carl missed him. He always did. The boy was just too stubborn to admit it. 

Carl crawled towards him, smearing his rotten blood across the wooden floor. The bandages wrapped around his eye were slowly coming loose and falling to the floor as he crawled. Groans escaped his lips as he reached out to grab Negan. Negans legs were only inches away. If the chain broke Carl would be on him, clawing at him, biting him, and killing him. That didn't sound like a bad option to Negan. It was hard not having Carl alive, but havibg some form of Carl with him was better than no form. 

Negan could tell Carl had been bit. By the way he limped and the way he said goodbyes. It was pathetic, really, that the kid wasn't telling and that he planned on killing himself. Carl wasn't weak, he shouldn't be the one to do it. So Negan said he would. Carl was angry about it, angry that he had been bit and angry that Negan wanted to be the one to do it, and just angry that this was the world they were in. That was greatest symbol of love was to shoot someone so they didn't turn. 

Negan knew that he didn't love Carl. He was in love with him. Negan had once read in a book that "love" and "in love" were different. That when you loved someone you let them do what they wanted to do and be who they wanted to be. When they made their choices you let them, because you wanted them happy. Being in love was selfish. When you want them all to yourself and listening to you and only you. When you want a say in all that they do and fight anyone who comes too close. Negan was in love with Carl, that he knew. What he also knew is that he had always been selfish. 

Carl spent his last days at the Sanctuary. Before that he gave out letters to everyone, saying that he was finding his own way. Becoming the man he was meant to be on his own terms. Carl had cried to Negan telling them that he didn't know how to tell Rick and Michonne that he was dying. He said he didn't want to tell them when instead he could spare them the news and make up a lie. "They would believe this before me dying," Carl had said. "They see my strength, not my weakness." 

Negan had made him a room. His own room. One he wasn't sharing with Negan. He surrounded Carl with books and stuffed every kind of medicine they had into him. Anything to tone the pain now. It took about a week and a half for Carl to finally get bad. He was pale and vomiting blood and he could barely move. He could still speak, though. That's wheb the two week mark hit. Carl became disoriented and confused. It was the perfect time to do it. 

Except Negan didn't. Well, in a way he did. He ran his fingers through Carls hair and shot him seven times in the stomach, then one time in the heart. He couldn't kill Carl, he couldn't finalize it. In record time Carl was alive again, groaning and grabbing for Negan. He almost bit Negan at first. Not that Negan was putting up a fight. He was just holding Carl, playing with his hair and apologizing. At one point he prayed. Negan wasn't religious but he was sure Carl was an angel. 

"Lord..." Negan had prayed. "Don't let any part of him be inside... don't let him be able to think after this, Lord, please. I don't believe in you and I don't think Carl did either... but if you are real, he proves it. He's sweet. Was." He had clung to Carl. "Just... don't let him be trapped. Don't let him be alive in there." Negan prayed that Carl would just be an empty shell. Incapable of thinking or feeling. Part of Negan wishes the kid had always been like that. It would make thos a hell of a lot easier. 

A loud thud pulled Negan away from his memories. Carl was yanking at the chains, causing the chains to slowly pull out of the wall. For a moment Negan waited. If Carl could get the chains out of the wall, then Negan would die. But he couldn't. No matter how hard he yanked and clawed, he couldn't break it. Negan knew why he couldn't. He only fed Carl once or twice a week. Not out of cruelty, but our of generosity. If Carl wasn't fed he wasn't strong and if Carl wasn't strong he wasn't a threat and if he wasn't a threat Negans people just judged instead of feared. 

"Darling..." Negan sighed. He got up on his knees and grabbed some rope. He slipped the rope into Carls mouth and wrapped it around his skull, tying it at the base of his neck. "This isn't fun for me either, but I don't want you biting me. You've always been an angry one." Negan finished unwrapping Carls eye, dropping the dirty bandages in the trash can. He reached into a drawer by Carl and pulled out new ones, smiling. 

Carl twisted around, hands grabbing at Negans legs. Negan shook his head and grabbed Carls wrists, binding them behind his back with another strand of rope. Carl squirmed, jerking and twisting around in unnatural ways. His neck twisted and popped, small pieces of bone beginning to poke out from the rotting flesh. 

"You're excitable today. Maybe I should feed you more." He started to wrap the bandages around Carls eye, humming to him. "You are my sunshine..." He breathed out before laughing. It was a pathetic laugh. Dry. "I can't sing. Not that you really care.." He swallowed and continue to say the words to the tune of the song. Dead or alive, Negan was not going to sing to Carl and embarass himself. 

Negan continued to wrap Carls eye, making sure the bandages were as tight as possible. Once he was done he pulled the hair out from beneath the bandages and smiled, looking at Carl and him in a broken mirror across the room. "You look good..." He leaned down and kissed the top of Carls head. "But its almost time for shift change and I need to monitor it. 

Negan loosened both of the knots in the rope before standing up and walking around Carl. He yanked the rope off, wincing as skin peeled off with it. He dropped the ropes and shook his head, walking towards the door. "I love you, Carl.." He breathed out. "Be good." He waited until he was outside to cry.


End file.
